I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
