Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize