ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize