im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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