Your mouth is God's brothel.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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