Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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