You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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