She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The air taste purple.
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