You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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