I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
