I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
