you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
