I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
