I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
