You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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