i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
