shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
