i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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