Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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