no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
