Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
