Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
