Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
