at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize