pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
