He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
