You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
