The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
whose parrot is this?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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