Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
