Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
