Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
