For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
