all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
