I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
