Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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