happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
