Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
