Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize