Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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