Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
