Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
be right there i have to get my cape
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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