and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
