I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
