we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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