You just made me feel so damn special
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
