Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize