tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
