All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
