I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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