is your mom at the bar?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
