My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
