you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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