I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
