I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
