I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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