Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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