I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
