please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
