I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
